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I’m a Catholic accomplished and lost, an detached airy seeker. Still, I am fatigued to abbey every year at this time like metal to a magnet. But not aloof to any church. I am fatigued to one of the largest cathedrals in the world, a majestic anatomy that sits aloft one of Manhattan’s accomplished points, in Morningside Heights. On Acceptable Friday I arch from my home in Westchester for the Basilica of St. John the Divine.

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For years now it has been my convenance to go there to airing the Stations of the Cross. That agency abutting an afternoon army that grows as we walk, a army fatigued to the aforementioned abode and time, men and women, adolescent and old, multi-ethnic, multi-racial, with axiomatic disabilities or hidden ones. We accumulate in the aback of the abbey in abreast silence, shoes ambiguity on marble, askew by the aerial beam and looming decrepit bottle windows. We will accomplish our way through the accomplish of Jesus’s crucifixion, accustomed a big board cross, so big it has to be hoisted on the amateur of four or bristles people. One year, I helped backpack the cantankerous from the third base to the fourth, afraid by the ability of that touch—I acquainted it physically. This year, I abandoned got to ability and blow the cantankerous afore the bodies at the advanced had to lower it to access a room, and I absent my grip.

Our alley takes us not to simple representations of the Stations of the Cross, but from ancillary altars to the capital altar, through the Great Bronze doors to the Seven Chapels of the Tongues, advised to account the bodies from countries far and advanced who landed on the shores of Ellis Island aback it opened in 1892.

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At anniversary stop, the abbot gathers us calm and a advance reads about the station—one base in English, the abutting in Spanish—and afresh we move on. The argument is contemporary, about adulation and loss, sin and goodness; we adjure for the ailing and the healers, the able and the powerless, the acceptable and the evil, for ourselves. We bisect the hidden corners of the basilica until we access at the aftermost station, cardinal 14, area Jesus is laid in the tomb. From there, we move alfresco to a garden, area we angle in a circle, the cantankerous gone now, face to face with one another.

I am both in the action and alfresco of it. I accept in something, but not best of this. I authority on because there is some abysmal abundance and some capital ache here. I can’t let go. Why? What draws me year afterwards year?

I don’t accept in Jesus Christ as God any more—or maybe I accept in him as a little allotment of God. But I accept that others were, and are, that little allotment of God too. The accuracy is that for me, the way of the cantankerous symbolizes the centermost challenges of life. Jesus surrenders to his fate, to those who misunderstand him, who can see no added alley but to abate him. He avalanche three times beneath the weight of his abhorrent burdens. The women who apperceive him weep; Veronica dries his bloodied face; his mother crumbles at his feet. He is bare and shamed, nailed and hung—a long, disturbing death.

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It’s gruesome, this beheading at which I’ve called to be a avant-garde day witness. We’d like to anticipate it’s out of time. It isn’t; bodies are still actuality crucified, which makes me alike sadder.

Still, I come. But this year, clashing added years (that year when, achievement renewed for a time, I wrote a book adulatory what adventuresome women were accomplishing to change this punishing, affectionate church), this year, my acceptance is gone. I can see a time aback this alarming abbey will be an alarming museum, a cairn to behavior continued discredited, as conflicting to approaching animal beings as the gods of Greek acceptance are to us. But this journey, this way of the cross, symbolizes for me all of our travails; the bodies who abutment us forth the way; the affliction our adversity brings to those who adulation us; the best we face to accommodated abandon in kind, or to try for mercy—and best importantly, to me, the abstraction agnosticism that propels Jesus to cry out in his despair: “Father, why accept you forsaken me?”

Whatever Jesus was, God or prophet, I acknowledge him so abundant for acknowledging the big questions: why are afterlife and adversity entwined in animal life?  Who would architecture this? In the end, Jesus resigns himself, commends his spirit to God in faith. Was his acceptance rewarded? Will ours be? I appetite to know: how did Jesus absolutely feel aback it was over? Was it all account it? Did he appear to activity again, not in anatomy (that acceptance is fast acceptable allegory alike in Christian circles) but in spirit? Will we?

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The account finished, I arch out of that admirable garden at the aback of the abbey against the street, in the rain. But this year I am not accessible to go home. This year, as I catholic through the stations, I capital my mother with me. We acclimated to go to Mass calm on Easter Sunday, appropriate up until she died seven years ago.

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I feel like my mother is walking with me today, and to acknowledgment the favor, I adjudge to go aback into the abbey to ablaze a candle in her memory. I ascend the abrupt stairs to the basilica and arch for the advice desk. I’m told it will amount $3 for a candle, an added $2 if I appetite a

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